


Super Dastardly Caped Whatever

by London9Calling



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5275757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/pseuds/London9Calling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a super hero is not always as exciting as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Super Dastardly Caped Whatever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shinealightrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightrose/gifts).



> For my BCF who is having a bad day. I hope this cheers you up a little! <3

“Soap bubbles in the fountain?! Dastardly! What will they think of next?!” Jongin pounded his fist on the dining room table. He clutched his cell phone to his ear, the familiar drone of the city’s police chief muffled by how closely he clutched the device to him.

“I will be there right away, sir!” Jongin reported.

“Oh, it can wait until tomorrow? Are you certain? I um…I have time if you need me.” Jongin loosened his grip on the phone. “Okay. Yep. Tomorrow morning will work. Okay, have a good night too.”

He hung up and slipped the cell phone – _his-work-only-super-high-tech-super-hero phone_ – back into his hidden pocket. Exhaling loudly he walked into to the living room and turned on the television. It would be another night watching Dancing with the Stars, it seemed.

Less than thirty seconds after he took a seat on his ratty sofa his cell phone range. He sprang up, the adrenaline coursing through him.

“This is the Caped Public Protector, how may I help you?”

The loud sound of laughter from the other end had Jongin holding the phone a foot away from his ear. “What do you want?” It was Oh Sehun, also known as Cat Man, Jongin’s roommate from super hero school.

“I was curious how many people you have saved today. Also, you really need to change that name, it is sooooo generic. It makes you sound like a lame lawyer.”

Jongin groaned. “I will have you know the streets of Apple Valley have been pleasantly safe today.”

“So your failure of an assignment is still failing because nothing ever happens in lame-ville?”

“Shut up, Sehun.” Jongin liked Sehun he really did, but sometimes he could be a brat. This was one of those times. It didn’t help that Sehun was fighting crime in a medium sized city in the Midwest while Jongin had been assigned to a town of 1,045 people thirty miles away from the nearest Wal-Mart. Nothing ever happened in Apple Valley.

“You know what I did today? I rescued a baby from falling down stairs, I helped a grandmother who had her purse snatched, and I finally met my _arch-nemesis_ ,” Sehun drawled.

“Good for you.” Jongin rolled his eyes.

“You aren’t even going to ask me about my arch-nemesis?”

“Fine, who is your arch-nemesis?” Jongin didn’t really care about Sehun’s arch-nemesis but he figured he should be polite. Sehun had helped on the saving kittens from burning buildings exam after all. Plus meeting you arch-nemesis was kind of a big deal, so he should be interested. Yet he was so peeved at having nothing to do he didn’t really care that Sehun had finally found the foe he would face off against.

“Sweater Man. He knits traps at an insane speed, plus he knows my weakness for balls of yarn.” Sehun sounded smug.

“Great, wonderful. Have fun with sweater man. Bye.” Jongin disconnected the call and tossed his phone on the coffee table. Someday he would meet his arch nemesis. Someday he would be a full-fledged super hero fighting crime. Someday.

For now he would sit tight and see which couple was eliminated on DWTS. Ugh, he hated the tango – why did they always have a tango episode?

 

 

 

 

The soap bubbles in the fountain turned out to be the work of a teenage boy who promptly confessed an hour after he had committed the dastardly deed. Jongin had shown up at the village square the next morning to find the fountain bubble-less. One call to the police chief and he found out that his job was nonexistent, there was nothing to investigate, no villain to apprehend. Sulking, he swept his cape behind him and headed for the nearest ice cream shop.

He was reaching for the door to Kim’s Ice Cream Palace when a loud scream got his attention. Whirling around Jongin tensed.

“My dog! Someone stole my dog!” A woman stood on the other side of the square, pointing and screaming.

Jongin sprang into action. He ran across the square at full speed. “Where did they go, ma’am?”

“That way!” The woman pointed towards the only alley in the entire town (which was more of a narrow street than an alley). Jongin darted down the ~~dark and foggy~~ light and airy small road, intent on capturing whoever would be vile enough to steal a pooch from their owner.

Once Jongin emerged from the ~~alley~~ tiny street he spotted a man running along the backside of the downtown businesses. He most certainly was holding a small fluffy dog. Jongin chased after him. He was prepared to make the first tackle of his life, a tackle he had trained two years for.

Oh, but there was the dog. He didn’t want to hurt the dog.

“Release the hound you evil criminal!” Jongin shouted after the man.

“Never! For I am…” The man shouted over his shoulder, dog still in hand. “Banana man!”

Jongin froze, stopping dead in his tracks as a banana peel was thrown at him. No…could it be…no…he had finally met his arch-nemesis?! A yip brought Jongin back to his senses. Leaping over the banana peel he closed in on the man.

“I will need you to put the dog down!” Jongin shouted, hoping he wouldn’t have to tackle the man and risk injuring the pooch.

“Fine, but only this one time!” The man turned, setting the small dog down on the pavement. Jongin finally got a good look at Banana Man. He was shorter than Jongin, dressed in a yellow costume with a yellow cape. His hair was bleach blonde, his facial features were…kind of cute. Oh wait, no, that wasn’t what he should be thinking!

“Until next time!” Banana Man whooshed his cape then turned and ran away.

“Here puppy.” Jongin approached the small dog, picking him up and clutching him to his chest. Two minutes later the tiny fluff ball was reunited with his grateful owner.

“All in a day’s work, Miss.” Jongin felt like he was on cloud nine. He had stopped a criminal, met his arch-nemesis and even got to pet a puppy. It was a record day in his six month long super hero career. He couldn’t wait to tell Sehun about it when the other man called to gloat.

 

 

 

 

“Banana Man? Are you kidding me? Who couldn’t avoid a banana peel! Bahahahahah.”

Jongin held the phone a few feet away, scowling at the receiver.

“At least my arch-nemesis can actually do something halfway cool!” Sehun teased.

Jongin was not expecting that reaction. “Well maybe he has other gadgets. I just met him after all!”

“Hm, right. Maybe he can squirt banana juice or something.”

Jongin hung up the phone and flipped on the television. It was time for Grey’s Anatomy to start.

 

 

 

 

 

Now that there was a villain in ~~the sprawling metropolis~~ the village Jongin had to be on high alert. Who knew what tricky and devious things Banana Man might try next. Jongin got up early the next morning, skipped the Today Show, and went right to patrolling the village square. Banana Man wouldn’t get away with anything on his watch.

Around noon he ducked into _Do Dine Here_ , a small diner run by the friendly ~~cantankerous~~ cook Do Kyungsoo.

“Lunch break?” Kyungsoo leaned over the diner counter, eying Jongin up and down.

“Yeah. The usual, please.” Jongin took a seat at the counter. He tried not to look dejected but it was hard to stay excited when he had just discovered his arch-nemesis and they remained hiding somewhere ~~in the shadows~~ near the town square or maybe by the post office.

Kyungsoo returned with a slice of pie and a cup of hot chocolate. “Rough day?”

Jongin sighed. He should have known Kyungsoo could see right through him. He had made friends with the cook right after he moved into the village and the short man was always the first to pick up on his moods.

“I met my arch-nemesis yesterday. I am feeling stressed.”

“Arch-nemesis?” Kyungsoo appeared confused.

“Yeah, Banana Man. Every super hero has one, otherwise we couldn’t be super heroes.” Jongin took a big drink of his hot cocoa, smacking his lips at the rich and delicious taste.

“You mean that guy in the yellow costume? Ha, I thought he was another super hero.”

“Wait?! You know him?” Jongin stood up, staring the small cook down.

“Sure, he comes in for lunch every day. Well at least for the last two days. I hate him because he tips like shit and won’t shut up but-“

The bells on the diner’s door rang almost like it was on queue. Dastardly. “There he is now.”

Jongin glared at the man as he walked into the diner.

“Hey Soo. Caped-Defend-something, how’s it going?” Banana Man strode into the diner liked he owned the place. When he sat on the stool next to Jongin the super hero all but jumped in fright.

“How dare you enter a respectable place with your vile thoughts and nefarious plans?!” Jongin didn’t realize he was shouting until Kyungsoo plugged his ears with his fingers.

“Chill. Sit down.” Banana Man gestured for Jongin to sit. “I am eating lunch, not committing villainy.”

“How dare you, sir!”

“Am I not allowed to eat lunch?”’ Banana Man rolled his eyes. “I will have the usual Soo, and heavy on the whipped cream.”

Kyungsoo walked back to the kitchen, leaving the pair ~~to sit among all the other non-caped patrons~~ alone.

“I guess you can eat lunch,” Jongin admitted quietly.

“I am Baekhyun, by the way.” Banana Man extended his hand.

Jongin reluctantly shook it. When he sat back down he couldn’t help but feel uneasy. What super hero sat next to their arch-nemesis so casually?

“What is your name?” Baekhyun asked.

“Jongin.”

“I like it. Nice name for a nice looking super hero.” Baekhyun winked. Jongin suddenly felt like the temperature in the diner had gone up by about one hundred degrees.

“So are you as unhappy with this shit assignment as I am? I am guessing you weren’t the top of your class either.” Baekhyun started fiddling with his napkin as he spoke.

Jongin opened his mouth to speak but the words were caught. Sure he wasn’t the top of his class, sure he only passed because of that clerical error, sure he might not be super hero material, and sure he only went to super hero because his dad had been a super hero too and insisted on it.

“Listen, I know we are supposed to be foiling each other and all that other stuff they told us in school but considering they stuck us in this cow town I think we can just get on without all the complications. Live in peace, you know?”

“But you stole a dog yesterday!”

“Yeah, I wanted to see what it felt like. It isn’t for me. So we have two options, Jongin.” Baekhyun held up two fingers. “We quit and whatever or we keep the peace together and collect our paychecks.”

“That isn’t honest!” Jongin protested.

“Why? There is nothing in the rulebook that says we can’t co-exist peacefully if there are no dastardly deeds being committed. I can always pick flowers from someone’s yard now and then and you can catch me. We wouldn’t be breaking any rules plus we would still technically be doing our jobs.”

“I don’t know….” Jongin stared at the counter. It wasn’t completely against the rules but still…

“Unless you want me to commit vile acts of criminal masterminded-ness?” Baekhyun offered.

“No!”

“Okay, then we have a deal.” Baekhyun extended his hand.

Jongin shook it, still feeling a bit uneasy.

“So what do you say you and I go catch a movie after this?”

Jongin found he was unable to speak for the second time in ten minutes. A movie with his arch-nemesis?

 

 

 

Apple Valley didn’t have a movie theater so catching a movie meant going over to Baekhyun’s apartment. Jongin was ever watchful as he entered the villain’s lair, eying the bean bag chairs and bead curtain with suspicion.

“What type of movies do you like?” Baekhyun asked as he plopped down on a neon green bean bag.

“Oh, movies.” Jongin scratched the back of his neck, thinking. “I like musicals.”

“Me too!” Baekhyun shouted. “OMG that is hilarious!”

“Oh wow that is funny.” Jongin laughed as Baekhyun opened up Netflix on his PS4. Two hours later and several show tunes down the pair were staring at Baekhyun’s Netflix queue.

“I have never told anyone but my close friends this, but I wanted to be a singer.” Baekhyun flicked past a row of horror movies.

“Really? I kind of thought of taking up dancing but my parents didn’t like it.” Jongin felt a little sad thinking about his once-upon-a-time hobby. He had loved to dance but his dad had been so adamant about Jongin following him into the super hero profession.

“Do you ever wonder if we would be happier if we did what we wanted? I mean, my mom was so gaga over me getting into villain school that she forbid me to send out demo tapes. Sometimes I wish I had been stronger willed about it.” Baekhyun exhaled loudly. “Ah, have you seen Oklahoma!”

“Of course!”

“Wanna watch it again?” Baekhyun smiled. Jongin liked his smile. Maybe too much. He nodded. He would love to watch it again.

 

 

“So how is it going with Sweater Man?” Jongin smiled into his phone.

“The insane creature knitted a wall at the top of the mall’s escalator! It took me all day to unravel it!” Sehun groaned.

“Banana Man hasn’t struck again, just so you know.” Jongin enjoyed sounding smug.

“Great. Wonderful. Whatever. Bye.” Sehun hung up and Jongin felt like he had finally one upped him. In some ways he was really grateful that his arch-nemesis had turned out to be ~~Baekhyun~~ Banana Man.

 

 

 

They hung out every day for a week before Baekhyun asked the question. He seemed shy about it which was very uncharacteristic of him. Jongin had learned that Baekhyun liked to talk, liked to ramble on and on and on – which was a good thing. He made up for all of Jongin’s non-talking. So to hear him stutter was…strange.

“So, Jongin. Do-d-do you have a boyfriend?” Baekhyun asked over milkshakes at _Do Dine Here_.

“Boyfriend?” Jongin’s mouth felt really dry all of a sudden.

“Mhm. Y-yeah.” Baekhyun was staring at his shake, not at Jongin. It was weird.

“No. Do you?” Jongin would be lying if he said he didn’t find Baekhyun cute, endearing, and maybe completely and totally dateable because he looked really good in yellow and it turned out he liked dogs and musicals and… he was nice. As in not a villain at all. Jongin had even watched him carry a spider out of his apartment instead of kill it. He was as unsuited for the villain life as Jongin was for the super hero life. Plus they got along great and had even slept over at each other’s houses and Baekhyun hated the tango too.

“No. Wanna go out? As in go out an-and k-kiss?”

Jongin swallowed. Kiss? He hadn’t kissed anyone since he had tried it out with Taemin, the other bottom of the class student at super hero school. And that hadn‘t felt right.

“Hey, if you don’t want to I get it but I wanted to say I think you are sexy, I mean cute and handsome and you are a great guy and we both live in this tiny village with no one to date and I want to kiss you.” Baekhyun rambled.

“You want to kiss me?” Jongin gulped.

“Well, yeah. You are super hot and it doesn’t help you run around wearing spandex all day.” Baekhyun finally looked up from his milkshake.

Jongin had learned how to be courageous in bravery class. He was trained to be brave. Yet the amount of bravery it took to lean across the table and smash his lips into ~~Banana Man’s~~ Baekhyun’s was mind-blowing. What was even more mind blowing was when Baekhyun pressed forward, then moved his tongue. Jongin parted his lips.

“Not in my diner! For crying out loud I already let you two run around here in tights!” Kyungsoo shouted from behind the counter.

Baekhyun and Jongin didn’t listen, they drowned out the cook’s admonishments.

 

 

 

Later that evening, as the villain and super hero walked hand in hand back to Jongin’s place to watch DWTS, Sehun called. Jongin didn’t answer.

“Is that important?” Baekhyun asked, looking a bit concerned.

“No. Not as important as this.” Jongin smiled, squeezing Baekhyun's hand. He loved being a super hero. Best.job.ever.


End file.
